


Just A Pilgrimage Crush, Right?

by intrvrtd



Series: Dextro Diaries [1]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29007486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intrvrtd/pseuds/intrvrtd
Summary: Several weeks after the defeat of Saren and Sovereign at the Battle of the Citadel the ground crew of the Normandy are enjoying some shore leave on the station, Tali and Shepard spend time together and come close to acknowledging the growing feelings between them
Relationships: Male Shepard & Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Male Shepard/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya
Series: Dextro Diaries [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189073
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Just A Pilgrimage Crush, Right?

**Author's Note:**

> I know in Mass Effect 1 infiltrators don't have the tactical cloak ability but in this story lets pretend that they do. 
> 
> Also any comments are welcome and encouraged

As Shepard and Tali walked through Zakera Ward on their way to the Presidium, they marveled at how after only three weeks so little of the Reaper and geth assault on the station was left. There were some damaged buildings and several scorched burn marks scattered throughout the station but all of the geth debris and the remains of the Reaper ship Sovereign were all gone, it was astonishing how quickly the Council races with the help of the keepers managed to clear the station. While Tali was mostly astounded that life returned to normal, Shepard was a bit more cynical.

“They’re ordering us to wipe out pockets of geth in the Kepler Verge, the geth were tools of the Reapers and the Council is still ignoring it” Shepard sighed

Tali knew the commander was right, she was there on Virmire when Sovereign spoke to them, she was there on Ilos, and with the ground team in the final fight in the citadel tower. Part of her thought that if she hadn’t been there to see it with her own eyes, she might struggle to believe any of this as well.

“They’re just scared Shepard, once they examine what’s left of Sovereign they’ll see that it was clearly not a geth ship” she tried to reassure him

“You’re right Tali, in fact the council are pretty much like any political leadership honestly, if something scares them enough, they’ll stick their head in the sand and pretend everything is fine, at least until they figure out how to address it in a way that wont terrify and panic the whole galaxy.” He sighed

“So lets forget all that, we’re still the big heroes of the galaxy for the moment and I say we enjoy the rest of our shore leave, what do you say Tali?” he asked

“Sounds great” she cocked her head and smiled up at him and even though he couldn’t see it he somehow knew and smiled right back at her

_There it was, those pearly white teeth and that big goofy grin that melted her heart every time she saw it_

_“Get a grip Tali!” she mentally scolded herself, she had been warned about this during the training she received for her Pilgrimage, developing a crush on her alien captain. A crush on her human captain, “Keelah, father would have suit rupture if he found out!”_

The pair had already decided that they would stop by Huerta Memorial and visit Ashley and Liara, they were the only two members of the Normandy’s ground team that were seriously injured in the Battle of the Citadel. Liara had been near a geth cannon when it exploded knocking her into a nearby wall giving her a concussion, a broken arm and ribs, with some internal bleeding as well. Ashley has some severe plasma burns on her torso and right arm from geth rifles after some of her armor gave out. Both of their conditions had stabilized and had been receiving visitors for the past week now. As the pair entered Liara and Ashley’s room the two patients were laughing and talking like old friends it was such a relief for Tali and Shepard to see their friends doing well. They swapped stories about what they had been up to, about updates on the station and on the Normandy’s status, all the stuff that Tali had learned humans called “small talk.” With the exciting news that they would be re-joining the Normandy tomorrow as soon as they were discharged from the hospital, Shepard and Tali said their goodbyes and went on their way.

_My people were quite good at observing the behavior of the people around them and two months ago these two women were shooting little glares at eachother across the mess hall as they both tried to get the commander’s attention. Now they lay here talking and laughing like the best of friends, maybe its because they both failed to get the commander’s attention, and in some ways they bonded over that, or it may be because they have been trapped in this room together for the past few weeks, either way she decided their friendship was a good sight to see_

After they left the hospital, they passed Wrex and Garrus who had just purchased some new weapon mods and were on their way to the firing range to test them out. They simultaneously remarked how after their hunt for Saren “how could those two not have had their fill of shooting things by now?”

“Well from the last conversation I overhead from them, they were still arguing over their preferred weapons and fighting styles” Shepard sighed and continued

Shepard doing his best impersonation of Wrex “what’s the point of killing my enemies if I’m so far away I can’t even hear their bones snapping?” Shepard said with a growl

_A stifled giggle escapes Tali’s mouth, his Wrex was pretty good she thought, and she also made a small mental note to always stay on Wrex’s good side_

Now in a much more smug but sarcastic Garrus voice he said “No, No, No, the best way is when you enemies can’t see or hear you coming, they’re just dead and they never even knew what hit them.”

Tali got so caught up in the fun of this she tried to do a Wrex voice of her own “So typical of you turians always have a stick shoved so far up your ass you don’t even take any enjoyment in destroying your enemies!” she said using nearly the same growling voice Shepard did, after which they both burst out in hysterical laughter

Tali began to feel a bit sad, she knew she had to return to her people and complete her pilgrimage, but she never thought the idea of returning home would be this hard. The nine months she spent on the Normandy were incredible it was really was the pilgrimage of a lifetime, she was going to miss the Normandy, miss the friends she made, most of all she was going to miss Shepard. In the beginning of her time on the Normandy, Shepard took the time to get know everyone on the crew but for the last four months the commander spent most of his free time with her. To her surprise they had a lot in common they both grew up on ships, they were both technical savants, his mother was a ship captain and his father died when he was young, her father was an admiral and her mother died when she was young, growing up they both found themselves frequently isolated because of who their parents were. Her favorite times on the Normandy were when she was struggling to sleep so John and her would stay up and tinker on their omni-tools or work on shield modulations, they’d debate which omni-tool model was better, they both preferred asari made omni-tools but Shepard preferred the Serrice made Savant and Tali preferred the Armali made Nexus. They had so much fun swapping stories from home and talking about their favorite movies and sending eachother their favorite human and quarian music playlists. On more than one occasion they’d stay up all night and still be sitting together at the work bench when morning shift on the Normandy was coming around, Tali laughed when she remembered Ashley would always walk by them and mumble “tech nerds” on her way to the weapons bench. 

_I was so scared when I first came aboard the Normandy the galaxy has been unkind to my people for a long time, but the Normandy was different, the entire engineering crew welcomed me and admired my skill in the engine room. But Shepard was another story he was the first human Spectre, and the hero the Blitz and he always treated me like and equal, I never had a friend like Shepard before, not even among the Migrant Fleet_

As they continued to walk through the Presidium Tali watched Shepard from the side of her helmet

_I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that I’ve become so enamored with Shepard, he’s kind, intelligent, brave, and quite handsome. Not to mention humans and quarians did share some physical features, especially their faces and from the large amount of examples on the extranet she knew human intimacy worked very similarly to quarians, KEELAH! Why am I even thinking about this! Also I have to remember to wipe my extranet history_

Luckily for Tali, Shepard didn’t seem to notice how flustered she was getting and the pair reached their destination, a small café overlooking the giant lake.

“Ooh I heard about this place, its supposedly really good and they even have Quarian drinks and a few dextro foods!” she exclaimed

“Yep, I figured you might like it, I’ll be right back I’ll get us some drinks” Shepard said as he walked off

As Shepard walked away Tali realized she didn’t even tell him what she wanted to order and as she was about to get up and go after him, she was stopped by a turian C-Sec officer

“Excuse me miss but what are you doing up here?” the officer asked

“I’m here with my commander and we were about to order something, although I don’t see how that’s any of your business” she replied

“Yeah, I’ve heard that a hundred times before, listen, let me escort you back down to the wards we can’t have beggars up here disturbing people” the turian said as he grabbed the Tali by the arm

“Listen you bosh’tet…” Tali was cut off as Shepard was running up to them

“Woah, woah, woah, is there some kind of problem here?” Shepard asked

“Step back human this doesn’t concern you, I was simply escorting this vagrant back down to the wards” the officer barked

“No officer you’ve made a mistake she is here with me” Shepard said still trying to be diplomatic

“Oh so the quarian wasn’t lying, still surely you understand where I’m coming from sir” the turian said and began to walk away

Any amount of patience Shepard still had was gone at this point and he grabbed the C-Sec officer by his arm. “Ok I’ve had enough of this idiot” the commander snarled

“Listen human take your hand off me…” the turian was cut off

“Spectre authority Shepard, J 249-Alpha-014706” Shepard stated into his omni-tool

As Tali sat silently and watched the interaction between Shepard and the C-Sec officer she noticed a little ping of confirmation from the turian’s omni-tool followed by his mandibles flaring which indicated how nervous the officer was becoming.

“Uhm oh, Shepard the human Spectre.. I apologize sir” the turian nervously said

“Don’t apologize to me! Apologize to her for your rude and ignorant behavior!” Shepard ordered

“UH I'm sorry miss” the turian stammered and walked away

After the commotion Tali looked down and saw the drinks he set on the table, she recognized the orange drink was orange juice a human drink, “clearly what Shepard ordered” Tali thought. Then she noticed the other drink and was shocked it was her favorite quarian tea. She was puzzled how did he even know, or was it just a lucky guess?

“Sorry Tali I thought coming up here would be a good idea after I heard they had quarian food and now that idiot ruined it” Shepard sighed

“No Shepard, nothing is ruined, its ok really” she tried to reassure him and she smiled even though he couldn’t see it

Tali continued “not to mention you got me my favorite tea, how did you even know?” she asked

“You told me about it while we were working on trying to adapt my tactical cloak to your enviro-suit remember?” he asked

“Oh yeah” was all Tali managed to get out

Truthfully she didn’t remember, but that didn’t mean much they spent countless hours together talking and working in the tech lab so it was certainly possible she told him about it. What really stunned her was the fact that he remembered something that was so trivial.

_Ancestors! He really is something different isn’t he, something special_

“That reminds I made something for you Tali, this will really blow your mind” he smiled

“Shepard you didn’t have to, it’s not necessary!” Tali protested

Shepard reached out and handed her a small device that fit quite easily in the palm of her hand and she recognized some of the tech had cloaking properties but she wasn’t quite sure what the purpose of this device was.

“I know you remember when we tried to adapt the tactical cloak to your enviro-suit, and how it never worked because between the cloak and all the systems in your suit the power draw on your omni-tool would be too large and it would simply cause total burnouts frequently?” he asked

“Of course, it was an infuriating two weeks when we worked on that” she answered

“Well after our lack of success I decided to take I new approach and worked on this secretly. This is a single-use tactical cloak, its just as good as mine, it will only last for sixty seconds then its circuits will burn out after a single activation” he smiled proudly at his creation

Tali sat speechless at this thoughtful gift.

Shepard continued “I think it may come in handy if you ever find yourself in a dark alley surrounded by several mercenaries again, and I happen to not be there to help” he gave a sad, small, smile

“Thank you John, this is one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever… Thank you John” she reached across the table and gave his hand a small squeeze and even through her suit she could feel just the tiniest bit of electricity when she touched his hand.

The pair sat there overlooking the large lake in relative silence, not an uncomfortable silence, it was more along the lines of two people silently enjoying the presence of eachother.

About an hour later they reached the docking bay and as they both looked at the ship Shepard finally broke the silence.

“The Normandy really isn’t going to be the same without you Tali” he said

_This was one of the few moments where Tali was truly grateful for her suit, thanks to it there was no way Shepard could see her blushing_

Tali was doing he best to pretend that she didn’t understand what the commander was actually saying and jokingly said “c’mon Shepard, Adams is a fantastic engineer, I mean not as good as me, but the Normandy will run fine without me” she coyly said

“Nah, that’s not what I meant” as Shepard rubbed the back of his neck “What I was really trying to say is that I’m going to miss you Tali.” He said as he looked down at the ground

Before either of them knew what was happening Tali closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Shepard and held him tightly, he responded by wrapping his arms around her. Tali momentarily freed one of her hands from the hug and with a quick tap on her omni-tool she shut off the microphone in her helmet so Shepard couldn’t hear what she was about to say. She gripped him tightly and let the words fall out of her mouth.

“I think I’m falling in love with you John” she said quietly inside her helmet

There was no way that he heard what she said but Tali could swear that right after she spoke those words Shepard squeezed a little tighter in the hug. Part of her wanted to tell him everything she was beginning to feel but she just couldn’t and there were so many reasons. She had a duty to her people, the geth data she got could one day help to liberate Rannoch from the geth, she had to complete her pilgrimage and return to the fleet. Also, another part of her was terrified of what John’s response may be to a declaration like that.

_What if he laughed at that, no, he is far too kind to do something like that, but he may very well reject me, I know quarians are not who most species would be interested in romantically. Not to mention what if it damaged this wonderful friendship we now have. In truth what frightened Tali the most was what if Shepard did have those same feelings for her, what could they even do about it. No! it was impossible at least at the moment she had to keep her feelings to herself_

Standing on that dock looking out at the Normandy, Tali made a promise to herself that even though she couldn’t tell Shepard how she felt today, one day she would tell him everything for better or worse, if she didn’t tell him she knew those feelings would eat her alive.

Shepard dropped his hands and released the hug “C’mon Tali we’ll wipe out that pocket of geth in the Kepler Verge and then we’ll drop you off at home with the fleet” he smiled

“Yes commander” Tali replied

** ONE MONTH LATER **

She should have told him, she should have explained how she felt, now she was never going to get the chance, Commander John Shepard was gone. Above Alchera a mysterious and powerful ship attacked and destroyed the Normandy, and their commander was killed.

Tali was being led by Lieutenant Henderson on a tour of the SSV: Kilimanjaro the Alliance ship that was bringing her back to the Migrant Fleet, she had protested at first saying she could simply book passage at the Citadel back to the fleet but Councilor Anderson insisted that she served with distinction and courage on the Normandy during their hunt for Saren and deserved to be flown home in style. When Tali and the lieutenant reached the bridge of the ship she realized this ship was quite impressive, it would have been one the best ships in the Migrant Fleet but it wasn’t nearly as impressive as the Normandy, she was still lost in thought when the lieutenant introduced her to the captain.

“Hello Tali, have you enjoyed your tour of the Kilimanjaro?” the captain, an older woman with the same light brown hair except for a few streaks of grey and dark brown eyes and same warm smile that Shepard had

“Yes Captain the ship is wonderful” Tali answered

“I’m quite proud of her, I know she isn't as impressive as the Normandy but she’s still a hell of a ship, and please call me Hannah” the captain said warmly

“Oh no I couldn’t! For quarians its highly inappropriate to address a captain so informally especially if you don’t even know them” Tali began twisting her hands in front her waist as she grew more nervous

“Well if I’m being honest Tali it already feels like I know you, having heard so much about you, Johnny often mentioned you in the messages he sent me while you were hunting down Saren” the captain still holding that warm smile that still seemed so familiar to Tali

The captain continued “I’m Captain Hannah Shepard, Johnny’s mother” she finally said

_This is John’s mother I should have seen it sooner the hair, the eyes, that smile, she was so clearly John’s mother, Keelah, I’m an idiot_

Tali stammered “I’m sorry captain I didn’t realize who you were… I mean nobody told me… I’m sorry about John.”

Tali put her head down, she truly didn’t know what to say, she was fairly certain she looked like a babbling idiot and surely his mother was in far more pain over the loss of John than she was. Tali had no words for this situation she just stood there, a brief silence ensued as his mother looked her over.

“Lieutenant Henderson you have the bridge” Hannah ordered

“Yes M’am” the lieutenant saluted and took the captain’s chair

“Tali please follow me” Hannah said still offering that same warm smile

As Tali followed the captain down the corridor and towards the captain’s personal quarters upon entering them she was stunned. The first thing she saw was the desk and the wall behind it covered with photos of John, a few as an adult in his Alliance dress blues but most of them were of John as child, Tali looked over them and smiled. She also saw a couple of poorly assembled model ships a Turian cruiser and an Alliance frigate again clearly John’s handiwork as a child. Tali’s thoughts were interrupted when Hannah spoke

“That small device on your wrist that’s Johnny’s handiwork isn’t it?” Hannah asked

“Yes it is, he made this, it's a single-use cloak, we tried adapting his tactical cloak to my enviro-suit but the power draw was too much so he made this single-use one in case of an emergency” Tali smiled looking at the little piece of tech John made for her

Tali continued “after we failed to get the cloak to work with my systems, we decided to try something else and we spent a month developing a combat drone for me its still not finished, it occasionally self-destructs on its own but I’ll get it working” Tali smiled

“It randomly explodes on its own?” Hannah sighed “Yeah that sounds like something my son had a hand in making” the captain laughed and then Tali laughed as well for the first time since the Normandy was destroyed

After the laughter ended they shared a brief moment of silence, then Hannah spoke again

“How are you holding up dear?” she asked

“I’m fine Capt…. I mean Hannah, how are you? I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you?” Tali sheepishly asked

“Well I’m doing as well as you can expect, we were both Alliance soldiers and sometimes things like this happen, but no parent should ever outlive their children” Hannah said softly, with her warm smile breaking for the first time and small tear rolled down her cheek

Hannah began rifling through one the desk drawers and eventually found what she was looking for, she held out two rectangular pieces of metal on a silver chain. Tali recognized them as the item human soldiers wore around their necks called “dog tags.”

“I thought.. did they…?” Tali began asking but was cut off by the captain

“No dear, they still haven’t found his body” she paused “these tags are the ones he received when he first joined the Alliance when he turned eighteen. He got a new set of tags when he joined the N7 program, those are the ones he is likely still wearing now. The captain handed Tali the tags and she looked them over in her hand

_Shepard, John Private First Class_

_SN 5923-AC-2826_

_D.O.B. 04/11/2154_

_Blood Type: O negative_

“Tali I want you to keep them” Hannah said softly

“No I couldn’t possibly keep something like this, they belong to you” Tali attempted to hand the captain the tags back

“Please look around this room, I have so many things from Johnny, I want you to keep them it’s obvious to me he was very important to you too.” She smiled while holding her hand over Tali’s which still held the tags

“Thank you Capt.. I mean Hannah, Thank you, you have no idea what this means to me, I’ll keep these with me always.” As Tali leaned in to embrace the hug John’s mother was offering her

“Ok we should get back up to the bridge I don’t like leaving Henderson in charge for too long and besides the Migrant Fleet may be in visual range by now." The two women walked back to bridge, both feeling a little better in terms of the severe pain they were sharing at the moment.

As Tali stood on the bridge of the Kilimanjaro she saw the Migrant Fleet coming into view, she was finally home, she should be so happy, she was one of the saviors of the Citadel, she had probably the greatest pilgrimage gift any quarian has ever brought back home. But the only thing that Tali felt as she looked out at the fleet was an aching empty nothingness, everything she accomplished felt so hollow because John was gone.

Tali took another look at the dog tags in her hand and she thought of Shepard

_No, he wouldn’t want me to be like this, I’m going to be brave just like he would. I’m going to take everything I learned from him back to the fleet with me. I’m going to make sure my people are aware of the Reapers and hopefully I can convince them to do something about it, but either way I’ll try to be an example for my people like John was for me, it’s the least I can do to carry on his memory_

Tali stared out at the fleet and at the tags in her hand and rolled them up to put them into one of the many pockets her suit had. She decided to put John’s tags in the pocket right above her heart, Shepard would always have a place in her heart anyway, so she decided she would keep his tags close to her heart for the rest of her days.

_I’m sorry I never told you I loved you John, I was so foolish to think you were simply a pilgrimage crush_


End file.
